Inbetween

I’d kiss you if you asked me
But I won’t mind it if you don’t
I’m more interested
In the inbetween anyway
Where I can sit right beside you
And I get to hold you close
And it’s so natural
You think nothing of it
It’s where we tell each other
Honest truths
That sort of feel like secrets
The way our bodies relax
Like we let something go
And we swim in that
Deep connectedness
Both heavy and light
And you witness a realm
You’ve never noticed before
You’ll say it feels like
“Something bigger”
When you’re with me
I’ll smile because you notice too
The only real feeling
I love
Love
Without all the extra bullshit
Without all the simple urges
Without the resistance
We often hold
At our cores
I’m interested in the inbetween
Where I can love you
And you love me
And it’s not a dramatic mess
Of emotion and pain
And all of those simple urges
That come up
When we worry about having nothing
When life
And what we think life is
Gets in the way of real love
So I’ll kiss you if you ask me
If you still mix up the feelings
But I would prefer it
If you don’t
Because if you linger
On knowing me that way
You’ll confuse it with something real
And it might be hard for you
To ever really know
How I love you
Inbetween

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Something

I think I might want something sweet
To counteract the blandness of my life
I say before I take a bite
And realize the sugar cookie
That cost too much
But was decorated with a pretty blue owl
Is too sweet
And that the owl
Wished me dead
I tasted his distaste of me
Somewhere in the icing

I also might want something kind
Or someone
I say almost always
Before I tell my brother
The guy I met this morning
Was too nice
So kind
It bordered on simple
Like he had no thoughts
To discuss
So he complimented mine

I can’t stop it from hurting me
When I realize I really want nothing
But to satisfy an aching wish
Of having something
That gave me something
I think is worth having
But that I can’t possibly have
Since I don’t know what that is yet

It’s so human

I like it when people laugh
At a question I’ve asked
As if the consideration is ridiculous
And the question was rhetorical
It makes me smile
Because it shows so clearly
What they value
Above all other things
If they laugh
They think the answer concrete

I asked an engineer in her late twenties
If marriage and kids
and the whole family thing
Was important to her
She was getting married soon
She laughed
For a whole 2 minutes
Her friends realized I was serious
And she stopped
When she noticed
She was the only one laughing

She thought the question obvious
I loved that
It meant she thought it important
It meant she thought everyone did
Or at least should

A laugh always shows an innocent naivety
A beautiful rift
Between one person’s reality
And someone else’s

Most times beautiful
Other times frightening
Sometimes a large rift
Is a harmful delusion

I love the idea that multiple realities
Can coexist
To create a collective
And yet
People tend to not notice

It shows that collectively
People value peace of mind
And avoid confrontation
So much that they can only see
One possibility
Their own self created

I love that
Because it’s so flawed
And yet not necessarily harmful

It’s just so…
human

It is interesting to me

It is interesting to me

It is interesting to me.
Very interesting to me.
That I can be me
Just me.
The me that I have
Searched for
Fought for
Tried to be
Since the moment
I realized
I should start trying
And yet
Somehow inexplicably
Still be less
Than I should be
Can be
Want to be
Because I stand here
Proudly
The best version of me
That I have ever been
And am still somehow
Inadequate
Not the type that promotes self deprecation
Not the type that gnaws at me viciously
Through me
Until my nerves are numb
Just the type that’s noticeably
There
Not sneaking
Not ambiguous
Unambiguously blatant
But calm
Like a child tugging on your arm
Unharmful yet annoying
Because you can’t swing brutally at innocence
Because you can’t make an idea bleed for your satisfaction
It is so interesting to me
Very interesting to me
That you can move in the direction that you wanted
And yet not have anything you want
That the decisions I made
Brought me here
To this place that I want to be
And yet sit here unsatisfactorily
Not understanding how everything can be right and wrong at the same time
Not understanding the yin yang balance fully
With all of me in line to it
It is interesting
So interesting
That I can understand so much
That I can know so much
And still know nothing
At all
So interesting

Are You Dreaming Again?

Are You Dreaming Again?

Tell me
Are you dreaming again?
I know you only dream
When something’s on your mind
I know that every other moment
Is usually met with silence

What are you dreaming of?
Is it of something easier?
Something greater
To you
But still mundane?

I know you dream of common things
Common wishes
That to you feel
Amazing

I know how softly
The morning wakes you
Even reality wishes
Simple kindnesses for you
Even though they remain
illusionary

Did you spend the last night
Missing lost treasures?

Were they less dulled in the dark
Than noticed in the light of the morning?

Did you spend the last night
Conquering fears?

Did you conquer the fears
That lost you your dulled diamond loves?

Can you tell me what they were?
Do you even know?

You always speak of yourself
So highly

It took you awhile
I know.

But is it still yourself
That you’re afraid of?

If you’re not afraid of being you
Then what more is there?

Because that has to be
The biggest fear there is

Amidst
Everything
Ineloquently stated
And most other things
Conquered in dreams

Where I Find Myself

Where I Find Myself

I never have time to myself
Yet I’m always by myself
I usually stretch myself out
Until little pieces tear off
That other people tend to keep
Then eventually forget about
There’s usually a greater obligation
Expectation
Use of me
There’s usually a gaping hole
Where supposed to be me
Is supposed to be
But that’s not true of me right now
There’s no one to give to
but me right now
No one to take care of
No one to pretend
My life is all about
But now I’m so lost in myself
I’m not sure of what is myself
Left to myself
By myself
I’m left with all these dreams
All these dreams that seem
So spectacular
And so miraculous
So spectacular
And so miraculous
I sometimes wonder
who I dreamt them for
Because now that I find myself
by myself
I have so much time to myself
And I feel my dreams inching toward me
But now that I’ve found so much time
for myself
I find myself
by myself
And I find most often
In quiet moments
When I can see my reality shifting me
To that supposed to be me
I always said I was gonna be
There
I find myself
By myself
Dreaming much simpler dreams

Midnight Pursuits

I have many beginnings
But no ending
I’m looking for a climax
Excitement
Revelation
And all I find
Is life
Moving forward
And Forgettable
Obvious
And somewhat plain
To me
“All I want”
Is always the start
Of an untrue statement
I want too much
To single one thing out
I find everyone searching for
Security
Love
Comfort
I want those things
But it always seems
Wrong
Unfitting
In inappropriate manners
Ways that are too simple
To be asked for
Or desired
Friendships
Strong
And faithful
Are much too lightly taken
Love
In life
Should ask for more
Much more
But then not really
The physicalities of romance
Is not so much more
To be asked for
If anything
It’s less
Than I want
And have always wanted
Stability
Financially
Is less a cause
To be fought for
Than happiness
Which may be a sign of
Hippiness
And delusion
Or possibly
What everyone says is
Ridiculous
Insanity
Silly
And irrational
Is really 
The most sane
And the epitome
Of self discovery
If only truth
Weren’t such a
Divisible pursuit

Four Days After

Four Days After

Is that all there is?
That makes so much sense.
Is that all there is?
It all makes so much sense.
I think I noticed what my mind looks like
It’s a weirdly large universe inside of there
It’s easy to get stuck
Somewhere if you’re wandering around
I understand the psychedelic colors now
I get tie dye
I’ve never been so scared in my life
Than when I realized I was stuck
In a cyclical universe
For all of eternity
And everyone knew
And once you knew you couldn’t not know
Enlightenment brought suffering
Enlightenment brought you back to real reality
Where there is only the ongoing search
For either God
Or self
Once you reached either side
You knew that both were each other
And you were doomed to forget again
Wonder again
Search again
It never stopped
I learned that I panic
I panic and rage
I knew that
In the back of my mind I knew
Though I’d hoped I could retain
My sane
Calm
Sanity that I’m unsure of now
Because the world seems to make more sense
When you’re not in it
I saw things with clarity
I knew where I was
My words were spoken with purpose and control
At first
Until the other two cookies set in
That I accidentally ate
Because I’d never touched drugs before
And didn’t know what they tasted like

And I had eaten 3 before someone 

Yelled at me to stop

Then I was on the ground
I think I was writhing
And convulsing
And laughing
All at once
I kept seeing Josh
Josh’s face is oddly centering
And hearing the same words
From people all around
“It’s gonna be okay Faithe”
“Are you all right?”
Over and over
I got sick of the sound
And the words
Written across a blue and yellow screen
A curvy, spacey, font
And the cyclical images
gnashing teeth
A sofa couch
Josh’s face
“Oh shit”
“What the fuck?”
My hands through my hair
“Can you get up?”
“Come with me”
And then I’d wake up on the couch again
It’d all start over
The same images
The same questions
The same cyclical, funneling, falling feeling
Repeated images
I once knew from way back when
My hair again
My life from beginning to end
I couldn’t do it
Not once again
Is that all there is?
It all makes so much sense
I contemplated suicide
But realized death began more things than it ended
I needed to do things I hadn’t before
To prove I could move forward
At least a bit
I’m fairly certain I felt someone up
I’m fairly certain I punched a girl in the nose
A really nice girl
With a very high voice
And I woke up on the couch again
Josh’s face
“You’re gonna be okay Faithe”
“Oh shit”
“What the fuck?”
“Are we doing that again?”
“God damn it!”
I raged
I screamed
I realized they knew
They were comforting me
In the realization
While knowing they too had come to terms with it
When they finally woke up
They knew there was no end
And yet still were fine with living
In a cyclical universe
How could they not know?
When so many words
And actions
And thoughts
And memories
Had restarted
And left
And come back again?
“You know!”
I yelled
“How could you not tell me???”
The girl was gone
It was cause for suspicion
I had possibly moved from one loop
Successfully into another
One without her in it
Though I still heard her voice
It echoed a bit
I wondered if I had gotten out
By doing something I would never do
And forcing gravitational sensibility into my current world
I saw Eric’s face
I studied his eyes
“Do you really not know?”
That your life is worthless
That we’re going nowhere
That you and I are specks of dust on an infinitely revolving time lapse
He looked at me with genuine concern
I looked at the guy next to him
He didn’t know
No one knew
That’s why they weren’t raging
They were focused
They were present
Not in a million real lives at once
Just one
In the one where the girl’s nose was swollen
I laid back down
It was finished
I had focused again
But did it matter?
Wasn’t it a lie all the same?
I could pretend I wasn’t aware
Eventually I might forget
Hopeful I relaxed in the moment
Tired of the panic
I begged for peace
Even in denial
And fell asleep
But when I woke up
I still couldn’t tell
Which real was more so
How sane was my insanity?
If that was all an active imagination
Then I have been sleep my whole life
Reality feels so much less real
Even 4 days after…

The World’s Grace

The World’s Grace

“The world will astound you with its grace if you let it.” – 5 to 7

I watched a rather confusingly sweet movie the other day. I watched it, fell into an awe filled stupor, and watched it again the following day. It had the heart of a romance, yet was bridled with the conflicts brought upon by social standards. It made my heart flutter a bit with the beauty and grace of it all, leaving it saddened by the loss of love. I fell into a wishful longing once again, the kind of feel only achieved through watching incredibly touching rom coms.

There was a beautiful, charming woman. Her face lit up the screen. Had the movie no substance whatsoever, it may have still caught an eye or two by her smile alone. The young man who approached her was enchanted by her and I by his enchantment. She was married with children and he was her lover. It was an agreement known by all, including the husband who had a mistress himself, and even mentioned by the children. The man was distraught by his love for this older woman with the dazzling smile and the conflict in his heart that felt strangely like eternal damnation. How odd it was for them all to be so happy in this situation. How odd it was for him to feel at place. He often expressed his confusion and discomfort with it all to which she replied with the smooth accent of a French native:

“Let go of your ideas of what you think life should be. The world will astound you with its grace if you let it.”

The words spoken silkily and with a charming confidence have been floating through my mind ever since.

I have not known the world to astound me with grace. It has often surprised me with it’s cruelty and knack for disappointing circumstances, but grace? I’ve rarely known. So the words dance back and forth through my mind as I wonder if I have ever let it.
Has the world astounded this woman because it itself was taken aback by her charm? Or did she relax against the world and let it charm the smile onto her? Have I let it? Would it make a difference? Maybe we should all just let go?

Candlelit Thoughts

Candlelit Thoughts

The lights have gone out in the bathroom and my roommate and I have yet to fix them. At the moment it’s being lit by candlelight. I don’t know if I’ll change it any time soon. I probably won’t. The effect seems to fit my life, which always sounds so dramatic when I tell about it that I laugh at the recanting. Occasionally, I even laugh when it’s happening. Drama seems so funny in real life. It just looks so out of place. And yet, it’s sort of all I really know.

Though drama befits the circumstance, I’m not actually thinking about anything all that dramatic. I was thinking about being someone. Whomever it is I’m supposed to be. I was thinking about how to become that without throwing away everything about me that I’ve spent my whole life trying to be. It sounds deep and thoughtful, but I think it might be more of an excuse to prolong my enjoyment of the candlelight.

I was thinking about rejection. I applied to be commencement speaker this year. I’m graduating college. I didn’t get it and that wasn’t surprising. I think at this point, I’ve applied to and gotten rejected by so many things that I’m a bit numb to the feeling. I see the words “I am sorry to…” give a polite, “oh okay”, sit back down, and finish my tea. If I’d decided to believe in purpose this week, I would’ve said that all of my rejections these past few years have been a plan to rid me of the fear often preceding them. I’m not sure I believe in that this week though. This week I just feel like the universe is being a bitch.

Every thing I go for gives the remarkable impression of being right outside of my reach. I can touch the glimmer of success with the tips of my fingers, but it never glows close enough for me to feel it’s warmth. They told me, as they usually do, of how very close I was. They told me, as they generally do, that the attempt I made was a phenomenal effort. They told me, as they often do, that they enjoyed it so much they were working to give me a consolation prize. I smiled. I thanked them. As I ordinarily do. My stomach fell to my toes (it’s very comfortable there) and I all but laughed aloud at the familiarity. They brought me in to tell me this. They wanted to reject me personally. My inner me keeled over in laughter. How often does something have to happen for it to be routine? How often in my life will I be great, but not great enough?

How is it that I can be everything I want to be and give everything I have to give and it still not be worth anything tangible? I do not feel devalued. I’ve spent too much of my life growing my self esteem to knock it down with things so slight, but still… Occasionally, I have to wonder: what it is about what I want to be that is not great enough to be seen as worthy? If I can do better then so be it, but who is it that decides what is best? Why is my idea of great so different than yours? What is it that you see? What is it that you see in me that’s wrong? Who should I ask for the final word?

I guess it always just reminds me that I’ve gotten more being likable than I have ever gotten from being seen as highly merited. It’s both amazing and slightly disappointing to be seen as less than you see yourself as. It’s humbling as well as discouraging.

My brother says that merit is too relative to certain people to be discouraged by its judgment. “It’s not that you’re not great, it’s that your type of greatness has yet to be seen by the right people.” And then both playfully and seriously he references the history of most great, dead artists…

It’s a funny thing, candlelight. Even playful words seem like painfully dramatic endings…