“No” to Brunch

“No” to Brunch

“Not this time.”

I tell you, my peach

With your plump, peachy lips

That are soft and sliced

And left to dry

Alone with their own flavor

I turn my face from you

My cantaloupe

My fruity babe that fills up space

Reserved for

Some other fruit

That appreciates my attention

You strawberry

You devilish sweet

You kiss my cheek instead of leaving

To leave on it

Juice red and sweet

And tempt me with affection

But my watermelon

You juicy gourd

Filled to the rinds

With watered down lies

You are not yet ripe enough

For my brunch this evening

So I say “no”

My pineapple love

Because your sweetness is deceitful

I’ll relish your taste

A tingly delicacy

As the acid digests me whole

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That Heart of Mine

I left my heart somewhere near you
And I guess you haven’t sent him back yet

Or maybe you just haven’t noticed him there

Lying beside you

I laid him by you years ago

I left him there

Thinking he’d come search for me

Leap into my chest once more

But he likes you best

Even in neglect

You’re warmer all over

And you excite him more than I alone ever could

He’s attached to you

That heart of mine

As if he longs for company

I guess he knows

That lying by your feet

With the possibility

of your hand in attention

Is better than

A thousand other hands

Less familiar

And unsure

He whimpers occasionally

I hear him now

But the mess around you

Might be so cluttered and dense

That all you hear is rejection

Maybe he’s been covered up by it

Buried beneath the debris of your past life

Moments you tried to lose yourself in

People who fell away

Fears you kept close because

you couldn’t quite toss them aside

Feelings, you did the same with

Maybe he finds comfort there

Amidst things that smell of you

Tainted a bit

By the stink of dismissal

But mingled in with a sweetness

That I’d never once denied

He’s lonely too

That heart of mine

I’d wish you’d go and notice him

Before he shrivels up

down by your feet

Pathetic and yet forever loyal

Brink

Brink

I feel like I’m on the brink of something

Like I’m right on the edge

Like I’m right about to get to it

Like I’m right there on its tail

And I only have to reach my hand out

And take it…

If I could, I would

If I could, I would

If I could, I would…

Would I?

If I could?

Would I?

Because I’ve felt like I’ve been on the brink of something for a very long time now

Because I’ve felt like I’ve been on the tip of something since… damn near forever

Because I’ve felt like I was going to be somebody since…

I don’t know how long

But I’ve felt it

And I’ve known it

And yet I’m not

But I swear…

I swear that I’m on the brink of something…

I would tell you even now that I’m on the brink of something

Even now

After spending all my energy

And confidence

And cash

Just reaching

Even now after all this time

I would still tell you

With great certainty

And great feeling

That I swear that its there

That I’m on the brink of something

I know it

Because Goddamn it

I feel like I’m on the brink of something

I have to be on the brink of something

I have to be close to the edge by now

So I can finally leap the fuck off of it

I know that I’m on the brink of something

If only

I knew what it was…

Haven’t I been on the brink of something?

Does everyone feel like they’re on the brink of something?

Have I been continually and perpetually deluding myself?

Because

I’d tell you

I’d bet you

I’d’d swear,

I’d bet

It’s right there

Isn’t it?

Dream

It’s just a dream, you know

Yeah, I dream a lot

Sometimes it feels so real

I think it’s my duty

To fall back asleep

Like I used to feel

When there was something pressing

Or important

For me to do in the morning

But now?

The most pressing part of my life

Is dreaming about you

The Girl & The Bird

The girl:

Pretty bird, pretty bird, pretty bird, fly.

Pretty bird, pretty bird, pretty bird, fly!

Pretty bird, pretty bird, pretty bird, why?

Do you stay here?

You have lived your whole life in a cage

You have left when I have allowed

You have eaten from my hand when I have decided to feed you

But now you are a free bird, pretty bird

Free to fly and use those wings, once broken and now mended, and lean them against the soft caresses of the wind

And yet here you stay perched on my window sill

Still

Pretty bird, pretty bird, pretty bird, fly!

Pretty bird, pretty bird, pretty bird, FLY!

Pretty bird, pretty bird, pretty bird, WHY?

Do you stay here?

Don’t you know what you are missing? Have you not seen it yet?

Far from here are vast summer landscapes, stretching their arms across the horizon…

Far from here are great blue oceans who plant sweet kisses on the sky at sunset as she blushes amorously…

Wouldn’t you like to see them?

My pretty bird, my pretty bird, my pretty bird…

Have you grown used to captivity?

Have you become accustomed to wishes less grand than you are capable?

Because you should have greater dreams than this Pretty Bird!

Do I sit here and dream for you?

Does your small bird brain not allow you to dream grand dreams?

The bird:

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, Hi.

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, Hi!

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, why?

Do you sit there?

You have lived countless lifetimes in that chair

You have left only to watch me glide

You have eaten only when I remind you of meal time

And now you point through the window and say, “Free yourself, Pretty bird!”

But I have always been free

Why aren’t you?

When we met you were broken, but now you are better

Not mended but less torn apart

I have loved you and fed you and kept you alive, so that you could be free to leave me

To make your way toward cities and culture and people and to explore

And yet you still sit in that chair

There

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, leave.

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, LEAVE!

Pretty girl, pretty girl, pretty girl, Please.

Do not stay here!

Don’t you know what you are missing?

Have you not felt it yet?

Near here, is the love that flows through every flower, every tree, and every animal The same love that will happily find you if you reach your hand out to it

Near here, are crowds of fumbling people, lovers, and dreamers, all just as lost as you, and waiting anxiously to offer comfort if you dare ask

I have seen them. Wouldn’t you like to?

To reach beyond to your full potential? To outstretch what you view as your meager capabilities?

My pretty girl, my pretty girl, my pretty pretty girl…

Have you grown used to captivity?

Must I perch here and dream things for you?

Has your useless human brain stopped you from seeing clearly?

Acting Cool

You’ll never know how nervous I was to hold your hand the first time. I was trying to act cool. Like I wasn’t on fire or about to faint. It wasn’t even a special circumstance. It wasn’t even about us. We were in a large group and they asked us all to take each other’s hands. I was holding someone else’s hand with my left. But I didn’t notice them. I don’t remember them at all. Not even slightly. I just remember you to my right. I didn’t look at you. I was so nervous. I thought my body was going to explode. And your hand was right there. I was surprised when I could move mine towards yours. I couldn’t actually feel it at the time. So it was weird that it responded to my wants so easily. I slipped my fingers into your palm slowly and it just fit there. Like you welcomed it as normal. Like it was the most natural thing in the world. Except that I could feel every millimeter of my hand now. Even the pores that were profusely sweating. That wasn’t normal or natural. But it was amazing. I was burning from the inside out. My hand was going to fall off. My arm was going to leave with it. And I was trying to not let it show on my face. I was trying to act cool. And we finished whatever activity we were doing and I swear I wanted to keep you so badly. But I let you go. My fingers fell. A bit slowly because… Well. I didn’t really want them to fall at all. But I was acting cool. Like it didn’t matter. Like I wasn’t sure. Right then. That I loved you. And it must’ve worked, since you never noticed how much I felt for you. Because you wondered if I wanted you then. And you dismissed your feelings like they weren’t reciprocated. So I guess, now I wish I hadn’t been so cool.

False Security

I got used to the calm

Serene. Simple.

It felt purposeful

Deliberate. Void of ripples.

Shallow waters. Glass surface.

I fell into

False security.

Drops.

Ripples to waves.

Panic ensued.

Eyes open. Wide and strange.

I’d been lied to.

Insomnia. Deranged.

When I called you.

I was crippled.

Fast talk. Deep breaths.

We went slowly.

Pre-thought. Repress.

Past anxieties.

Thought I’d dealt with it myself

But it was only

False security.

Birthday Pancakes

Birthday Pancakes

My birthday was always my favorite day

Every year before school started

My mama woke me up with a kiss

That she plopped excitedly

On my forehead

Then my cheek

And then my cheek once more

And whispered in my uncovered ear

“Happy Birthday, baby.”

She didn’t know I’d been waiting for her

And was unaware that I was too excited to sleep

Anticipating the one day

I was more important than air

Waiting for the one day

I felt magnificently seen

It didn’t matter if she was mad the day before

If she’d been crying

If she’d been screaming

Whatever feelings my mama felt

Were pushed aside

For twenty-four hours

The amount of time

That an ocean of love

Could drown out locked up emotions

Before the tides receded

Leaving her with herself once more

And I could tell that my love

Of her love

Spread all the way through her to her finger tips

That stroked my hair and asked me how large I wanted

My birthday pancakes

Six years of living meant six pancakes

And six candles spread through the face

Each cake stacked atop another

In a tower that wobbled with love

With happy birthday written in whipped cream

And with those cherries always stuck in Shirley Temples

Made into a goofy grin that looked straight at me

Excited to be eaten

Everyone in the house was woken up

So they could all sing

Happy Birthday

To the girl with the birthday placemat

Who really loved her mama

And I remember it all with great clarity

Especially on my personal anniversary

When others forget

Or no one’s around

And I have to remind myself

Of my own importance

And I stare at my morning breakfast

Remembering my mama’s pancakes

And thinking that no one could ever quite love me

As vastly as my mama

Showed me she did

Every year on my birthday

I Like Being Your Home

I liked being your safe haven

When I was sleepy

And you were out

Afraid to go home again

Because you’d said you were somewhere you weren’t

You called me and asked if you could come over

I wasn’t used to that

I wasn’t used to people

I wasn’t used to friends

I wasn’t used to you

And it was hard for me to ask

For a favor so late at night

But I did

For you

And maybe for me too

And you came to the door

And you greeted my mother

Who always viewed you as a child worth protecting

A young soul she might start over with

After hurting mine so severely

Someone she might keep

If she fixed her mistakes

And we went to my room

And I brought out some sweats

That you were able to wear

And an old soccer t-shirt

For you to sleep in

And I told you to swish out your mouth

With my favorite toothpaste

Because it was proper bedtime etiquette

And your breath was unsavory

We crawled into bed

And you told me stories

About a life I’d never know

Because I was hard to get to know

And the only one who ever asked for me

Was you

And I told you

Things I hadn’t told anyone

Some things I hadn’t told myself yet

Not even in the mirror

Pretending to be someone else

And you told me to stop talking

Because you were falling asleep

But I didn’t want to sleep

Because I’d wake up and you’d leave again

But I let you drift off

As you held onto my arm

And I kissed your forehead

When you started to drift

And I’d stay in the moment

I’d sink into to it slow and easy

And I’d think about how much

I like being your home

Songs That Soothe the Soul

I didn’t realize
How sad my mother was
Truly
Until we sang along in the car together
on our way
to my freshman orientation

It was my mama,
her friend, Nanette
and me.
2 women
1 girl
Sharing a rite of passage
In an SUV too large to drive
but that
made her feel safe
In a world that
constantly tried
to run her over

I remember my mama was so jealous
That I
liked her friend so much
But that
lady had a fresh take on our lives
She
thought I was funny
And
didn’t make me feel bad
When
my first thought
About buying snacks
For myself
Didn’t include her opinions

But I love my mama
Even when I don’t like her
And her
happiness
Crosses
my mind every day
And has
for as long as I can remember
So when
it was time to change
The CD
Into something my Mama and me
could sing to as she drove

I picked
the mix tape
My mama used to play
In the
car every day
For months
With my
daddy in the passenger seat
And man,
Did we sing to it.

I knew every word
I had
since I was little
But I
never noticed before
What
we sang
And how
we sang
of heartbreak
And
untrustworthy men
Of
broken vows
Of
worthless promises
And
poignant pains
We sang
And I
started to remember
Being in my carseat
And my
mother playing
One song
On repeat
As my daddy brooded
In his chair

I remember
Because I liked that song best
And
didn’t mind it
being played again
3 times
4
8
20
Until my
daddy’s face was so sour
We didn’t
dare ask what was wrong anymore
And my
mama
Seemed
oddly satisfied
When he didn’t stop her
I guess
she really liked that song

I remembered that day
somewhere
in the middle of singing
When I
told Nannette
That we
used to hear that mix tape
over
and over
and over again
And my
daddy didn’t like it that much
By the look he used to wear on his face

I
remembered that day
When
neither of them answered me
Like
they knew something that I didn’t

I remembered in-between pauses
When
Nanette stared into the distance
Because
she didn’t know the words
and
couldn’t sing along
And my
mama wore a grin
the size
of Jupiter
Because
that tape had soothed her soul
So many times
And
So damn well