To You and Your Bloodless Heart

I wish your heart bled for me.
I wish it just bled blood
But it’s as dry as desert air
I know
I grew up there
It’s the kind of dry your skin bakes under
Even mine
With my brown skin turned auburn
And with lips that crack and bleed
More than your heart does
And possibly ever has

I wish you wished me dead
I wish my life made your skin boil
I’ve wished myself dead a time or two
Hoping that you’d cry
That your guilt would eat through you
Then you’d see me differently
I hear grief brings out buried feelings
I wonder if you’ve buried me alive
Maybe I’m dead already
Or possibly just still screaming

I wish you thought of me
I wish I didn’t wish that
I think of you occasionally
Whenever I pass by a feeling
And take hold of it
Letting it drag me a different way
I rather feel something than nothing
But all my feelings
Lead a pathway to you

I wish that path were rougher
I wish being dragged there
Made me bleed like your heart does not
Maybe I’d stop wishing
With a heart too pained to wish for more
I’d be forced into acceptance
A place as barren as my desert home
But I’d reside there
Stroking the auburn skin I used to hate
Lovingly without you
And your bloodless heart

It is interesting to me

It is interesting to me

It is interesting to me.
Very interesting to me.
That I can be me
Just me.
The me that I have
Searched for
Fought for
Tried to be
Since the moment
I realized
I should start trying
And yet
Somehow inexplicably
Still be less
Than I should be
Can be
Want to be
Because I stand here
Proudly
The best version of me
That I have ever been
And am still somehow
Inadequate
Not the type that promotes self deprecation
Not the type that gnaws at me viciously
Through me
Until my nerves are numb
Just the type that’s noticeably
There
Not sneaking
Not ambiguous
Unambiguously blatant
But calm
Like a child tugging on your arm
Unharmful yet annoying
Because you can’t swing brutally at innocence
Because you can’t make an idea bleed for your satisfaction
It is so interesting to me
Very interesting to me
That you can move in the direction that you wanted
And yet not have anything you want
That the decisions I made
Brought me here
To this place that I want to be
And yet sit here unsatisfactorily
Not understanding how everything can be right and wrong at the same time
Not understanding the yin yang balance fully
With all of me in line to it
It is interesting
So interesting
That I can understand so much
That I can know so much
And still know nothing
At all
So interesting

Are You Dreaming Again?

Are You Dreaming Again?

Tell me
Are you dreaming again?
I know you only dream
When something’s on your mind
I know that every other moment
Is usually met with silence

What are you dreaming of?
Is it of something easier?
Something greater
To you
But still mundane?

I know you dream of common things
Common wishes
That to you feel
Amazing

I know how softly
The morning wakes you
Even reality wishes
Simple kindnesses for you
Even though they remain
illusionary

Did you spend the last night
Missing lost treasures?

Were they less dulled in the dark
Than noticed in the light of the morning?

Did you spend the last night
Conquering fears?

Did you conquer the fears
That lost you your dulled diamond loves?

Can you tell me what they were?
Do you even know?

You always speak of yourself
So highly

It took you awhile
I know.

But is it still yourself
That you’re afraid of?

If you’re not afraid of being you
Then what more is there?

Because that has to be
The biggest fear there is

Amidst
Everything
Ineloquently stated
And most other things
Conquered in dreams

Where I Find Myself

Where I Find Myself

I never have time to myself
Yet I’m always by myself
I usually stretch myself out
Until little pieces tear off
That other people tend to keep
Then eventually forget about
There’s usually a greater obligation
Expectation
Use of me
There’s usually a gaping hole
Where supposed to be me
Is supposed to be
But that’s not true of me right now
There’s no one to give to
but me right now
No one to take care of
No one to pretend
My life is all about
But now I’m so lost in myself
I’m not sure of what is myself
Left to myself
By myself
I’m left with all these dreams
All these dreams that seem
So spectacular
And so miraculous
So spectacular
And so miraculous
I sometimes wonder
who I dreamt them for
Because now that I find myself
by myself
I have so much time to myself
And I feel my dreams inching toward me
But now that I’ve found so much time
for myself
I find myself
by myself
And I find most often
In quiet moments
When I can see my reality shifting me
To that supposed to be me
I always said I was gonna be
There
I find myself
By myself
Dreaming much simpler dreams