Personal Struggle: Words

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I open my mouth
And words fall out
And scatter across the floor
I gather them up
But oh, tut tut
They’ve multiplied in 2’s & 4’s!
My arms are too short
I’m sad to report
To hold them like this for too long
I must let them go
But oh, what? No!
They’re bunching together all wrong!
Sentences like
“Oh, where did you go?”
Seem to fall simply to “Where?”
Speeches and songs
I’ve rehearsed for so long
Are all found with patches and tears
Those who are listening
Furrow their brows
And ask of me, “What was that now?”
I glare at my words
Those giggly fiends…
The question is never “when?” but “how?”
Fix it I must
Because they gather to dust
As I sort them all out in my mind
But let them all out
And without a doubt
There will be some lagging behind
I twist them and tug
Throw some under the rug
But they wriggle themselves back on out
I say “Please, conform!”
But I forever mourn
The way that they frolic about
They dance in circles
Mimic cyclones and whirlpools
Causing hazard and running amuck
Then they stop so abruptly
Never quiet, never subtly
So they can show the whole world that I’m stuck
When I calm myself down
As I’m so tightly wound…
They seem to be tamer, more mild
They’re less stuck on my tongue
Where they’re usually hung
And seem to be fairly less wild
When I lighten my mood
Still not altogether smooth…
They at least make coherent sense
If I’ve had enough sleep
And make sure that I eat
My mind’s clear enough to keep them unminced
So I take in deep breaths
Try hard to decompress
All the feelings I keep deep inside
I try not to be nervous
So my words are then fervent
On keeping themselves straight in line
It’s an ongoing struggle
Since my mouth tend to muddle
All the thoughts I’d like to convey
But if I’m consistent
Less tense, more deliberate
I find I know just what to say

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Nothing

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You said you wanted nothing from me
And the value of those words resonated with me
They stayed
They comforted me
They let me lean against them
I read them plainly
I read them over
And always heard them say the same thing:
You wanted nothing from me, but me.
You wanted nothing from me
But me
With all the imperfection that came with it
And nothing more in terms of other things
More superficial
And less pure

And now you say you want nothing from me
But the words have changed
The same words spoken through you
have meta morphed
Now you say you want nothing from me
And you mean you want nothing from me
At all
The inclusiveness that your words showed me before
Are mocked by their own current exclusivity
And I miss their reverse meaning
And I am keen on showing you
Just how much
And I want to tell you
How much I still care about you despite
What seems to be indifference
But I can’t
Because you want nothing from me.
And I think I hear it clearer this time.

Seaside

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Come and meet me by the seaside
Rest beside me in the sand
Leave behind you all your worries
Take me gently by the hand
Lay your sufferings down in laments
Give them to me one by one
Help me turn them into stories
We can retell when we’re done
We can wash out in the water
We can rinse away our sins
We’ll decide our deepest values
We’ll decide where love begins
I’ll not leave you if you’re drowning
Hold on to me, I’ll drown too
If you relax your heart against me
We can do it. We’ll push through.