Thank You for the Discomfort

You have given me the best idea that I have ever had in my life and you don’t even know.

I understand now the looks you give me, the awkward feeling. I get it. Now I truly do. Finally. But you fail to see my intentions.

I feel like everything so far has been going toward this moment: The moment by which my bold move would cause us to fall into an extremely uncomfortable situation. I would fall so hard into discomfort that I couldn’t sleep or go a second without pondering about it, searching for ways to make it better. It would hurt; the discomfort, and I would talk out loud about it, maybe to God, maybe to myself, sometimes I can’t honestly tell the difference. I would watch romance movies and pretend that I’m in love and drown myself in the feeling. I would sink. I would sink. I would sink. Until that too hurt and then I would find new ways to occupy my mind.

It always comes back to the internet doesn’t it? Horoscopes and surveys for mental illness. What’s wrong with me? What can I fix in my life? Therapy. Well, that’s always a great answer and one I will definitely ignore… School. Oh, I can fix school.

And this brilliant idea came upon me. “Upon me” seems the only way to say it. It was a rush. An epiphany. My heart beating too fast. The blood rushing to my head. The discomfort birthed a brilliant idea. And I knew it would work. I KNEW it would work. Like it had been waiting for me to uncover it. Sitting there, lonely at the back of my head, waiting for the blood rush to flood it out. It was an incorporation of everything I had ever done. A hint of everything new and old as if all things had brought me here.

Here now. Sitting, uncomfortably. Because of you.

It could only be God, you know? An odd turn of events such as this. And you a part of a brilliant plan that is not yet over.

I have this strong pull toward you. I wouldn’t expect you to understand… I have no idea what it actually means. Maybe we’re meant to be together. Maybe you’re supposed to give me the best advice of my life. Maybe you’re just supposed to recommend me a really great sandwich. I don’t know. But after this great epiphany things are just not the same. My intentions toward you are just to figure out this great, great plan that you seem to be a part of. It’s like a really uncomfortable game of Clue.

So sorry… but you might have to deal with my weirdness a bit longer…

On a side note: Would it be odd to say Thank You?


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