That Pen is a Pick

That pen is a pick

A shovel

A trowel

Picking away at the dirt.

 

The dirt that covers

That tomb of emotions

Hidden away so long ago.

 

So long ago

Hidden away.

 

Buried under anger

Submersed under fear

Masked by resentment

Was the me that I know

The me that I’ve known

The me that I knew

On some early day

Of those early days

Of my being.

 

And the pen shovels down

Deeper. Much Deeper.

There. Do you feel it?

I almost felt it.

That me who was silenced.

Who was gagged

And left screaming

Quietly. Silently.

Cursing surrender.

 

The pen hit the core.

Oh my. Don’t you feel it?

 

Those emotions once buried

And hidden away.

 

That now lay discovered

By a pen.

 

A pen held by a hand

A hand that I know

A hand that I’ve known

A hand that I knew

On some early day

Of those early days

Of my being.

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Pointless Poem

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I’m not feeling very poetic.

I stare at my screen.

Feeling a bit pathetic.

Hands on the keyboard.

Music in my ears.

I blow out my eardrums.

I fight back the tears.

They’re happy.

So happy.

I still hear their cheers.

Right through the window.

Straight through my door.

I can hear them laughing.

I can hear them pour

Out their feelings!

In song across the street!

Is listening the same

As admitting defeat?

 

Directly In the Middle

Great things come suddenly, unexpectedly, but completely with purpose.

“…I just wanted to tell you that joining a sorority may not be over for you! There’s an informal recruitment process…” Her words beyond the line just blended together…

What was she saying? That I had been rejected again? By not one group, but several? The idea was so familiar to me that it seemed comical. I smiled at her apology.

“No no no… it’s all right. It was really fun. Thank you for calling me. Have a good night.”

I’m not sure what I was thinking. I wanted to laugh, but I also wanted to cry. I wanted to scream, but I also completely appreciated the irony. So I was stuck in the middle somewhere. Filled with disappointment, but also with a weird sense of confidence… Let me rationalize.

The facts were:

I had signed up for formal recruitment to try and be a part of something that I wasn’t a part of. To be bigger than what I was.

The first day we went to the 4 houses and everything went swimmingly. Each one loved me and I met people that I had great connections with in every house.

The second day I had fun. I had a great time with people from the girliest house, but I also had a wonderful time with my original choice.

We laughed. We snacked. We joked. And I knew I had made an impression on everyone that I had met.

There was no third day.

I was called that night and told that the next day I would have nowhere to go, although that was the last day, bid day, I wouldn’t be a part of it. How intriguing.

So why? What now?

It dawned me that I had I been looking for the same thing I have always been looking for, but seem to always fail at finding. Which makes me think that maybe I should stop looking for it because it obviously something I’m not supposed to have. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

I went through the houses expecting to find one that was mine. One that shared my ideals, that would propel me forward in life. One that was full of people with similar goals. I went through looking for one thing, but I found something I didn’t expect.

What I realized was that I didn’t fit into any one house completely, but all of them quite equally, leaving me directly in the middle and not on any one side. I found something that I admired and loved in every house I went into. I found people that I loved talking to and related to in every situation I was thrown in. I laughed to the point of tears in every house and met people that I now adore and would have never met otherwise.

I did not become a part of a group like I’ve always wanted to be, but instead found myself where I have always been and somehow found comfort in that.

I did not assimilate into one group of friends, but discovered myself amongst many. In a way, that’s more of what I wanted than anything.

I was rejected, but I wasn’t unloved. I was loved by all, I merely wasn’t completely like any. And that, I think, is ok. I think I might be good with that.

Rejection in all forms is always terrible, but occasionally the effect is great. I know that I made an impact in their lives and I think that says more about me than any group I could ever be attached to. I think my ability to find common ground with all these people who rarely find common ground with each other is a compliment to my character. What could be better than that?

So here I am. No one’s in particular, but everyone’s. Here I am again. Directly in the middle and feeling pretty good about it.

Thank You for the Discomfort

You have given me the best idea that I have ever had in my life and you don’t even know.

I understand now the looks you give me, the awkward feeling. I get it. Now I truly do. Finally. But you fail to see my intentions.

I feel like everything so far has been going toward this moment: The moment by which my bold move would cause us to fall into an extremely uncomfortable situation. I would fall so hard into discomfort that I couldn’t sleep or go a second without pondering about it, searching for ways to make it better. It would hurt; the discomfort, and I would talk out loud about it, maybe to God, maybe to myself, sometimes I can’t honestly tell the difference. I would watch romance movies and pretend that I’m in love and drown myself in the feeling. I would sink. I would sink. I would sink. Until that too hurt and then I would find new ways to occupy my mind.

It always comes back to the internet doesn’t it? Horoscopes and surveys for mental illness. What’s wrong with me? What can I fix in my life? Therapy. Well, that’s always a great answer and one I will definitely ignore… School. Oh, I can fix school.

And this brilliant idea came upon me. “Upon me” seems the only way to say it. It was a rush. An epiphany. My heart beating too fast. The blood rushing to my head. The discomfort birthed a brilliant idea. And I knew it would work. I KNEW it would work. Like it had been waiting for me to uncover it. Sitting there, lonely at the back of my head, waiting for the blood rush to flood it out. It was an incorporation of everything I had ever done. A hint of everything new and old as if all things had brought me here.

Here now. Sitting, uncomfortably. Because of you.

It could only be God, you know? An odd turn of events such as this. And you a part of a brilliant plan that is not yet over.

I have this strong pull toward you. I wouldn’t expect you to understand… I have no idea what it actually means. Maybe we’re meant to be together. Maybe you’re supposed to give me the best advice of my life. Maybe you’re just supposed to recommend me a really great sandwich. I don’t know. But after this great epiphany things are just not the same. My intentions toward you are just to figure out this great, great plan that you seem to be a part of. It’s like a really uncomfortable game of Clue.

So sorry… but you might have to deal with my weirdness a bit longer…

On a side note: Would it be odd to say Thank You?