TV aka My Life

I think I’ve come to a milestone in my life and the only representation of this change is television.

A year ago I was in love with Dexter. I felt an emotional connection with him. It was the kind of connection you only feel with your favorite TV show with the character you identify yourself with. When I met Dexter he was lost, confused, unable to relate to any one around him. He was in a bubble. On his own. Surrounded with people who thought they knew him but never knew the full extent of his being. When he finally began connecting with others and sharing his deadly passion, I felt it. When he fell in love, I fell too. He was me. Not who we wanted to be, but who we were and who we could never escape from. Just like me, at the end of the day, no matter how hard he tried, Dexter only ever had himself.

At the time, he was someone I understood. Separated by a screen we shared in understanding. And now? Not so much.

He’s evolving, understanding himself. Shoot, he’s even gotten a therapist. He’s no longer the child born in blood, but the man who tries his best to clean it up. He’s changed. But that’s not the problem. It’s that I have changed too.

When I met Dexter on the inside I was dark and twisty. There was that weird dark feeling that filled up the core area of my body. A feeling somewhere between that one you get when you watch scary movies and the feeling you have when you’re doing something you know you shouldn’t. But it’s gone now. And now I repeat phrases like “dark and twisty”. Now I watch Grey’s Anatomy, a show for happy people. People who try to change those dark and twisty people but also satirize them with the words. I’m drawn to Christina Yang and Meredith Grey because they fight happiness but are also engulfed by it. I like them because they try and fail so many times. I like that they always fall back on each other. They’re pulling themselves out of the darkness that they’ve so consistently been apart of and are now chasing toward the light. They have what Dexter doesn’t have: hope. They can fix all their problems with the people they love, go to bed at night hopeful, and not wake up in prison. But most of all, they know that no matter what happens they’ll always be fine because in the end they have each other. They have their person.

A year ago I wouldn’t have been able to relate to that. I’d be jealous of their relationship (I still am a bit), but overall confused as to how they’re so easily comforted. But it seems that that’s where I am at right now. You see, right now, in the place that I’m at, I can’t help but love Grey’s Anatomy.


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