I like writing because it’s a form of expression I can do completely on my own. It’s not like making a movie where I’d have to share my thoughts with others, collaborate, divide up work amongst people who may or may not agree with my direction and have the capability to question me. And it’s not like performing arts where I have to get instruction. There’s no one I have to rely on but myself, no one I have to share my thoughts with unless I choose to, and no one who has to be involved in order for it to work. I only need me and a lot of times it’s the only person that I want.
Do you ever sit and realize how contradictory everything you want in life is? I’ve been thinking about it all day. It’s crazy how big of a hypocrite I am and maybe everyone else in the world as well. I want to be successful but I don’t want to have to rely on others. I want to have a child someday but I don’t want to hold the responsibilities a parent would. I want a family but I want work to be my main motivator and priority in life. I want to share my life with someone but I also want every decision I make to be my own. I want so many things that I can’t have without having to deal with every thing I don’t want or that blocks me from having something else.
It’s weird when you realize that everything great that you can possibly have comes with a consequence that is equally as great. I suppose your supposed to live with these consequences and just focus on the positive things you’ve gained, but they say that negative outcomes affect your happiness up to 5 times more than positive outcomes do. Something has to be really really positive for you to keep it in your memory, but any subtle amount of negativity is hard to not get hung up on.
So it’s kind of like I’m constantly sifting through regrets, seeing which outcome I’d regret the least. Because I can’t have everything. I would if I could. I’d absolutely love to build a paradox machine, but I can’t. I’m no timelord. I have to pick one path or the other.
Between having a rising career or having a family, won’t I regret not having a career more? Sacrificing my life to have a child and husband has never been in the plan. I am meant to be the best so I can sprinkle the fruit of my good fortune down upon others and make an impact. A HUGE impact. My life is meant to affect the world. Yet… I can’t shake it off. That feeling that I want the other thing too. That I’ll think back on it. Regret it. Amidst my happiness and the comfort of my accomplishments. And I know I can’t have both. Not in the way I want them and not in the way that I know I will have to pursue them: with everything I have. I can’t be satisfied with having partial anything. So I have to choose. And I have chosen, but I’m still afraid of it and think of other possibilities…
Then it spirals from there. It starts with the need for love, which all people possess, and the need to have someone in my life that cares for me and wants to share their life with me. Then I think to myself, I will love him. I will love him too much. I will love him and want to give him everything, which would include a family and stupid picket fences because those are the guys I fall for. I love the ones who love family, who would make amazing fathers, who care, because I care, which leads me down the wrong road. The road of regret. The road where I don’t get my career or my gigantic pool, where I have love instead of connections. That road that leads me virtually nowhere and I can’t have that.
I am a Cristina Yang. A Cristina Yang. A Cristina Yang!
So I tend to stay away from people. I tend to stay away from interactions even when it comes to preference; writing vs making movies. I stay away. I stay away. I stay away. Because I have already thought about it and have already decided.
Which may be a regret within itself…