Another Disappointment.

It’s been more than a month since I wrote something last. (Besides last week’s. I’m catching up!) I was hoping to be on the verge of realization when I next posted something. Although there isn’t a life lesson that I’ve learned in the past couple of months or even an appropriately sized epiphany, I need to share something so that my mind isn’t needlessly bogged down with worthless thought processes. So here goes something.

I’ve learned quite a lot about myself within this first college year. I suppose that is the idea. You get shipped off to school to learn exactly what you want to do and how to do it and consequently are forced to learn about yourself as well. I’ve learned that I despise chemistry, in every way shape or form, that I’m not particularly good at conversing with people (who actually want to know something about me), and that I’m generally afraid of being close to someone (I rather not say the word “intimacy”… ugh… it sounds so… bleh :-/).

Why I HATE chemistry:

  • It’s honestly the hardest class I’ve ever been in. He talks and talks and talks and literally NOTHING sticks. I’m a mechanical engineering major so I only have to take one Engineering Chemistry class, yet he speaks as if I have extensive knowledge, with chemistry terminology I don’t know. He talks too fast and it confuses me. And when he asks if anyone has questions, he doesn’t pause long enough for me to actually formulate one. Mostly I feel like he asks so much from me and I simply don’t have the time available to give.
  • It’s my fault. Honestly, I should have paid more attention in my high school chemistry class, but, to be fair, it was like 3-4 years ago! Also I should spend more time studying for that class anyway. I’ve never been disciplined enough to spend more time working on the things I hate than the things I actually enjoy doing. It’s a problem I’ve always had and I’ve only just started to change, but in a different area of my life. I suppose I should apply it to all areas… I really don’t want to though…
  • I feel like chemistry is a useless subject anyway. I am studying to become a mechanical engineer not a chemical engineer. Any chemistry that I actually need to know will be covered by physics. The way I see it, chemistry deals with things too small to matter. I mean why do I need to know about the chemicals involved in creating a certain material? I’m not mixing them. All I need to know is what it does and how I can use it to my advantage. That’s IT.

Why I’m not particularly good at conversing with people who actually matter to me:

  • I’m very used to being alone. I’m not sure that I enjoy it, I just know that that’s how it’s always been. I choose to do my projects alone because I like to have the ultimate decision on all things. I do my homework alone because I can’t seem to find anyone who cares as much as I do. When I do a sport, I like to choose the position where I don’t have to rely on others; the center outfielder in softball or the goalkeeper in soccer. Most days I eat alone because I want to be able to leave whenever I like and I don’t like having to rely on another person to keep me company. People often disappoint me.
  • I think that’s the main thing. That I don’t like to be disappointed and I so often am. The problem is that I do enjoy the company in most instances. I do my homework alone because when I ask others to do it with me they often flake last minute so, generally, I tend not to ask. I pick sports where there are distinct team dynamics because I like the idea of working together and reaching a goal that you couldn’t reach on your own. But I pick the independent positions, because I often feel disconnected with the people there and don’t know how to communicate with them as they do with each other. And I do like eating with groups on occasion, but most of the time I feel like an intruder, imposing on some kind of friendship thing I just happen to not be a part of.
  • So what happens is, when I find someone that matters to me, a friend I guess, I can’t talk to them effectively because I’m just not used to talking. I’m used to thinking and writing, but not talking, and definitely not talking about feelings or something. I learned very early in life to keep my feelings to myself, at least until I’ve thoroughly thought them through and have decided what to do about them. Feelings make me uncomfortable as it is. Talking about it makes it worse. If I’m crying for some reason, I can never stop thinking how silly it is that I’m crying. If I were to annoy someone with my crying fits, yes they would comfort me, but how would that help me? How is crying about it helping me? I don’t need comforting, to make me feel better about being sad, what I need is to stop being sad and do something about my situation. Comfort just prolongs my sadness and that I don’t need. So I suppose I’m bad at communicating because I know that what I’m whining about is silly, it could only be silly and I don’t like to need someone other than myself.

Why I’m generally afraid of being close to someone (I refuse to say it again…):

  • I think this goes back to the alone thing. “I don’t like to need someone other than myself.” I feel like this describes my whole problem. I don’t want to be dependent on another, yet I’m such a romantic, in some senses. I don’t believe in that true love mumbo jumbo. One person for you? Out of the billions of people in the world? Ridiculous. And as someone once said in some movie somewhere, “Somewhat egotistical if you ask me…”, no really, because I saw that movie and it will forever be stuck in my head… But, I do believe in love. Not so much as the together forever crap they dish in movies because honestly this rarely happens. What I believe in is simple and real and lasts until it doesn’t. It’s all love, it’s just that some love lasts longer than others.
  • So why am I afraid of it if my love is the kind of love that doesn’t even last forever? I mean, Faithe… (you’re thinking) That’s not even a commitment… I’m afraid of it, I think, because it’s real, and all real things are great in theory and terrifying in reality to some extent, and because it may not be in the way that I hoped. And that’s freaky scary, you know? It’s giving up on hope and possibilities and letting go of your life. Letting the chips fall as they may, and I hate it when the chips fall. I want to be loved by somebody that I choose to love and I’m afraid I have shallow reasons for choosing.
  • Plus it still has all the realness of love. Although it may be temporary, it has every possibility of lasting forever and “forever” is a more impacted word than “death”. It has the same interdependency, and with it, the same possibility of pain. Who wants to be hurt? But there’s something more… I suppose what I’m most afraid of is having my love taken from me and not fully requited.

I suppose, when it boils down to it, in all areas what I’m really afraid of is disappointment.


2 thoughts on “Another Disappointment.

  1. I can relate to a lot of this- I fear disappointment too and think it’s part of the reason I stay at arm’s length from people. Got to keep telling myself to risk it for the gain but it’s hard.

    1. Thank you for your input. 🙂 I agree it is hard, but real connection is one of those fantastic mysteries of the world! So they say… before recently I had no experience in the matter, so HOW right they are is still unknown to me. I do believe they are wonderful experiences to have, though, worthy of risk, time, and maybe even a little discomfort sometimes :-P. And wonderful experiences make wonderful memories! 😉

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