I have returned from the DEAD!
Well, not exactly… but I haven’t posted anything in a good while and it is because my mind has been completely occupied with things I don’t want to say or think I can’t say. I’m losing sleep over it. So I’m going to say it. On the internet. So I can sleep.
A message to YOU:
I’m not an idiot. I’m not, but I know you think so sometimes or, rather, you think that I say ridiculous things and it’s true. I do. I say ridiculous things in order to impress you, to make you laugh, to veer away from the subject that I really want to talk about, but am too embarrassed to do so. Which IS ridiculous because #1 I shouldn’t need to impress you.
I’m not trying to court you or anything.
We’re friends and we became friends because we mutually like each other for who we are, but sometimes I’m afraid you don’t know who I am. So I search for a me that is suitable for you. One that you could continue to like and other times I show you a Me in EVERY extreme. I show you every type of Me that I currently am aware of in
it’s absolute extreme – I suppose it’s to get you ready for when that part of me comes out – and then I say ridiculous things. Then you laugh at those ridiculous things viewing them as ridiculous, I laugh because they are, and we laugh together abut the ridiculousness of it all. But as we spend more time in each other’s company, I’m afraid that you’ll start to think of me as nothing, but extreme and ridiculous.
Of course, I’ve mulled this over and it’s completely justified.
So justified, in fact, that that’s what I worry about the most. Then I start to think about all the cumulative ridiculous statements I’ve ever said to you, how they could portray me in a way that may not fully show you who I am, and how all of these thoughts, that you may or may not think about me, might form a person in your mind that you dislike and you might reject the Me that isn’t really ME. And then in the process I will lose a friend that I actually like due to my inability to relax.
I think that’s my real problem though… my inability to relax.
I tried to explain to you this problem of mine, but maybe you already understand? You’ve known me for long enough, I suppose, to get glimpses of it, but do you understand it in it’s entirety? I think it might be related to being constantly embarrassed of myself, which is, again, ridiculous because #2 there’s almost nothing you don’t know about me already so what is there to be embarrassed over?
Maybe that’s the root of the problem.
You know too much and it makes me uncomfortable. I’ve never told anyone this much in my life and I’m afraid you’ll hate me once you know everything, which is probably why I’m too embarrassed of myself to get to the point. Too embarrassed to talk about the subject I REALLY want to talk about. I don’t want you to run off and judge me, but I suppose you haven’t yet… But I also don’t want to talk your ear off… Maybe you’re used to that by now? And I wish I could just explain all of this in writing! But wouldn’t that be weird? Then again… Aren’t I a little bit weird anyway? I don’t want to overburden you with useless words, or bore you with my fears, or chase you away with my insecurities, but I feel as if I’m doing all of that by trying to prevent it. All I want is to have a regular relationship. A regular friendship. But is that possible for such an irregular person?
Sigh… I really need to BREATHE.
But I do feel better ^_^